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A Happier Place

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May 2012
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I am actually relieved knowing I did not erase this email.  I am writing this anyway here because I know no one other than me would read this… 

                I do empathize to the person who wrote this.   It took me years to actually admit to myself that yes… I think I still have the same feeling perhaps not as much, but I still can remember the same shivering wind all over me.  And those were the times that I actually feel alive. 

                I don’t think it is sad to know that it is just now that I’ve come to realize that I should have just stayed being a friend than nobody in his life at all.  The pain then was so real and had overwhelmed my soul – what I thought was the strong me – that my heart actually surrendered to the unrelenting pain it caused.  I don’t know what other words to use to describe that my heart was really wounded, it wasn’t torn apart nor was broken down into pieces – it experienced near death… No, it died actually.  Ironically, I just don’t know if you’d understand me, but redemption came just after that.  It actually died but I know then that I will be ok someday.  I am not regretting anything, if I have to do things all over again, I believe I’ll take the same roads, because I want to reach the same place where I am right now.  But what I have come to understand now was the reason I was so upset before was because I want him to love me the way I wanted him to. 

                But winters passed by, I have come to look deeper into things and life that love is actually just giving the best of what you can… and putting a more profound sense to it is giving without actually hoping for something in return. 

                Perhaps, realizing that before would make me want to stay and be friends with him or maybe not, because I know my self too well.  But love is really unconditional, no matter how many heartaches and happy endings, stories of love and losing it, tragic endings and difficult beginnings, the real essence of love will always be unconditional.  It is like the love of a mother to her child, only in a much unfathomable sense of the word. 

                Years after my story, I do remember.  When I walk alone in the streets ofManhattan, I smile because of the laughter we shared together with the forgettable and other not so unforgettable moments with him.  But there is always that tiny thought of him at the back of my heart saying…”I wish him well.” 

                Even if he doesn’t or has never thought about what we were before, I wish he is happy and contented wherever he is right now.  I don’t know how to define what I think but this is what I feel.  I may continue this nonsense until who knows when, or I may never stop but there’s this indescribable sense of completeness, because after everything I can now let myself feel what was actually going all throughout my senses.  And this is when I am happier,  where I am happier. Perhaps, this is the reason I left.  So I can be in a place where I can love him unconditionally.

032505th

 

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